Since this blog has become more about my mental health and less about the kids, I will say that I have been in a funk the last few days. I am wracking my brain trying to figure out what it is that is funkifying me. I have considered the first trip to the pool with the kids last week. It was as difficult as I remembered. Given so much time to sit and watch other kids and thinking, it makes me very sad. I saw lots of boys playing in twosomes and threesomes and found myself wondering if Nathan and Bennett will be included in one of those little groups. I compare their size and ability to others their age. I watch other kids do a double, triple and quadruple take when they walk by. I find myself being jealous of the families of two boys and a girl who walk in all looking alike. I desparately wish my boys could have the longer surfer hair that is in style for boys right now. But that doesn't usually affect me for a week so I was off to consider something else. Nathan has been saying a couple things about having special needs lately. He was looking at baby pictures and noticing that his veins weren't sticking out then. He has been talking about how Bennett will eventually look like him, with no awareness that this isn't the way it is supposed to be. Then I made the mistake of weighing Nathan one day. Although he has gotten significantly taller, he has not gained any notable weight which means that he is overall skinnier. That knocked me down for a few days.