"I can't do it anymore."

I cannot describe the feeling but all I can say is I can't do it anymore.  I know I can and I know I will but when it gets really bad, I feel like I can't do it anymore.  Mark becomes frustrated and baffled when I make that statement, I think because there is nothing he can do to fix it.  I also think it is because it is not a true statement.  I can take more and will take more.  Plenty of people take a lot more but I don't know how to describe the feeling more accurately.  The anxiety and sadness builds and builds. 

Back up two weeks to when Nathan fell down the steps.  It is overwhelming trying to deal with the stress of the fall.  Every little ache, pain or mark with Nathan and Bennett is completely stressful because it could always mean something bigger.  When Libby has an ailment, we take it in stride.  I don't notice this as much as Libby notices this and it breaks my heart.  I can only imagine that it makes her feel less important.  So whenever we have medical issues for Nathan and Bennett, it is a complicated matter. 

Last night at dinner, Nathan showed us a raised spot on his forehead that in his words, was "squishy."  I became very anxious, Nathan started freaking out because when we touched it, it hurt and Libby started freaking out because no one was paying attention to her.  Nathan was complaining that his head hurt and we could not determine if he was referring to the inside or outside of his head.  He went to lay down while we discussed taking him to the emergency room.  Fortunately my mom is visiting and it is always wonderful having a third adult present.  So we discussed the emergency room but decided that it was a hematoma from the fall.  All of these head injuries have me very scared so I went to bed unsettled and worried about him. 

In the morning, Nathan came into my room and he really did not look right.  I don't know how to describe it but his head wasn't shaped right.  His head is always kind of mishapen but it looked "weirder" than usual.  His eyes were all swollen shut which is most likely due to bad allergies but he just did not look right to me.  I did not feel like messing around with it anymore and called 911.  Mark was against calling.  We really don't like to make a fuss, have the neighborhood talking or alarm Libby so this is the first time we called-ever.  But for some reason I needed someone to see him instantly.  The ambulance came quickly and as Mark expected and I had hoped, they talked to Nathan, found him to be lucid and recommended we take him to CHOP. 

So now Mark is down at CHOP with Nathan but I am still a nervous wreck.  I cannot count how many hematomas this kid has had in his seven years.  It seems risky to have xrays done every time he gets one, only to find out that he is okay; however, it is scary to let them go and not have them done.  If he has a skull fracture, I don't know what that would mean for the clinical trial medication. 

Libby is much more anxious about all this than we realize.  It often comes off as "what about me" but she is really scared.  I saw the fear in her eyes at dinner last night.  She said she worries about the boys having "mush" on the back of their heads (wormian bones) and worries that they will wake up and their heads will have turned to mush (hand motions of pushing her head down with her hand).  Poor girl!  Poor Nathan, I scared him to death with my fear and alarm.  I need him.  I need all three of my kids.  I love them all so much and just want them to be okay.  I just want to be a mom to my kids.  I am wanting to cry.  I want to withdraw.  I want to explode.  I want to do all these things at the same time but I can't because I have to keep things as normal as possible for my kids.  So I don't know for sure what "I can't do it anymore" means but it is how I was feeling at the beginning of this post.  Believe it or not, writing about it here is very helpful. 

Now...if his head still looks mishapen, I'm not sure how I will send him to school.  I fight fight fight for normal but am thinking I might be much happier if I accepted that we are not normal. 

Please pray for a good outcome from the x-rays which have already been done but are waiting to be read by a doctor.